There is a grandfather Stepan Baboy Marfoy with pokosa home along the road. Suddenly, ahead of the rider without head. They zadumalis, but went dalshe. After 5 minutes ahead of them again without a rider in the head. Again zadumalis, but went dalshe. Third raz them ahead of the rider without head.
There is not Mazay vyderzhal and says:.
- Hey, Marfa, would you spit nA perevesila other shoulder!.
***.
Everything has its pros.
Here is my dacha sgorela. za city.
Now I have a cellar baked kartoshki and 4 boxes of condensed milk varenoy.
***.
***.
I dolzhna revenge! . Nay! . Tseluyu thy Givi! .
***.
Sobirayutsya zhena and husband teatr. Zhena:.
- Obyazatelno change of socks.
Teatr came in, looking spektakl, zhena prinyuhivaetsya and hiss nachinaet nA muzha:.
- I prosila change your socks.
husband:.
- I tak znal and that you would not believe, here in dokazatelstvo brought them with him.
***.
Poymal Jew goldfish. Keeps it in rukah, raduetsya. Rybka nA watching him, and tak doomed sprashivaet:.
- A Jew?.
- Yes!.
- Kill srazu!.
***.
One programmist - other:.
- Here predstav: You have 1000 rubles. Or, for a round institutional accounts let you in 1024.
***.
Pervaya brachnaya Night. Husband izhena Absolute nothing znayut. , My husband calls a friend:.
Husband: I hear that it delat?.
Friend: Do you have any wife - then razdel? .
Friend: Well razdevay her and sam razdevaysya.
Husband: All, sect.
Friend: Sosna worth?.
My husband is not looking out the window ponyatkah.
Husband: worth it!.
Friend: Well, it tak zalaz nA.
He goes out nA Absolute naked and climbs nA pine.
Husband: What dalshe?.
Friend: Well, now raskachivaysya.
He sits nA branch raskachivaetsya, raskachivaetsya.
Friend: Well, slomal?.
Husband: No.
Friend: Well raskachivaysya dalshe.
He sits nA branch raskachivaetsya, raskachivaetsya, there vetka crunching padaet together with a man.
Friend: Well, that slomal?.
My husband (pretty ): slomal.
Friend: the blood is?.
Husband: yes. of the EAR.
Friend: Well, you're a pervert, NEZVONI ME MORE.
***.
Zaporozhets - ever semeynaya mashina.
Ever - so that anyone can not prodat, a semeynaya - because in addition to his wife in her or odna. bl @ dv. Do not sit down!.
***.
The phone rings:.
- Hello, this is Signor Rod? .
- Nay, Ernesto, I. Did something happen?.
- I just wanted to skazat unto you, that vash popugay. he died.
- HOW TO died? .
- Yes, sir.
- Hell, I nA ugrohal him a lot of money. What did he die?.
- He ate moldy stuff, Signor Rhode.
- Tuhlyatiny? .
- No, sir. He was silent sam pokleval myasa with dead loshadi.
- Kakoy loshadi?.
- Vashego arabskogo skakuna, Signor Rhode.
- HOW TO, my stallion, too, is dead?.
- Yes, sir. He taschil cart with water and vyderzhal.
- What are you, come down with uma? .
- Which we put out pozhar, Signor.
- Lord, pozhar?.
- Nay, sir, in the house vashem. Zanaveska zagorelas from the spark.
- Kakogo cherta! .
- Yes, sir.
- Zachem you zazheg candle, Ernesto?.
- For the funeral, Signor.
- Kakih funeral?? .
- Vasha zhena, Signor. Ona prishla late at night, I podumal it udaril thieves and stick it to the new vashey golfa.
long molchanie.
- Ernesto, if you slomal this club, you. magnus @ en. !.
***.
ASS - mnogofunktsionalnaya chast tela. Besides the main prednaznacheniya she dumayut, she also feels through her prinimayut solutions and runs most of rabot, looking for her adventures nA, a kogda naydut, it is and sit!.
***.
It came with raboty. Ona letaet around him in a light halatike and twitters.
Ona - Oh dear, now the light otklyuchali, azh, but polchasa nA, a then incorporated, a 'Net is not connected, I muchilas tak, tak muchilas.
He -so - well, I see no polkvartiry vylizano, a whole blyastit and dinner delicious sgotovlen. It was boring?.
***.
What primechatelen maly razmer byusta? .
***.
- Zdraste, you clown vyzyvali?.
- Vyzyvali, vyzyvali!.
- Where patsan?.
- In vannoy.
- What delat?.
- Vasha zadacha: razveselit, nastroenie up and take a razor!.
***.
- In your wife's breasts extra large?.
- S. otdyhaet! .
- S. pashet in three shifts and weekends without prazdnikov.
***.
In connection with the earthquake in Japan, Zhirinovsky offered to resettle the Japanese in Russia. The Japanese, seeing tarify utilities prefer to survive an earthquake.
***.
Obschaga. morning. student:.
- Something I have spina hurts.
His neighbor:.
- Tak nefig hrapet all night!.
- And what is here?.
- Yes, I keep up on all your obdolbil.
***.
Zhenschina - vrach zasnut can not - it conscience and argue razum.
Conscience: ' You can not calmly spat after HOW TO izmenila husband! '.
Razum: ' It depends kakomu! . Pravilno that izmenila. bayu - bayushki - bayu. '.
Conscience ' Izmena change strife! .
Razum: ' Nay, but remember Ivanovu of the 25th clinic. Ona regular sex with zanimaetsya patsientami - all happy, all is well '.
Conscience umolkaet. Zhenschina provalivaetsya to sleep. and suddenly - the conscience pungent whisper:.
' Nay, but Ivanova something - not veterinar.
***.
Sekretarsha zhaluetsya nA nachalnika friend:.
- Count up, gave a necklace with pozavchera rubinami, a mink coat bought vchera, a now zamuzh pozval.
- Here gad, save nachal.
***.
Nadoel peasant cat. He took his posadil in the bag, took podalshe, threw. But the cat came back. And tak a few raz. Nakonets man decided to take him deeper into chaschu. Drove, dropped, a whole way of wagging and obratny zaputyval road. In the end sam zabludilsya. Calls home to his wife:.
- Slushay. The cat come from?.
- Yes!.
- Well - kA call him to the phone.
***.
Avtomobilist night rides through the woods nA mashine.
When he sees something worth kakoy man, all pink, and votes. Motorist ostanavlivaetsya and sprashivaet:.
- What do you want?.
- a lift.
- Who are you?.
- I - fag from Venus!.
- And you are not a zemlyanam pristaesh?.
- No, I have to zemlyanam frigiden.
- Well, togda sadis, poehali.
go dalshe. Kakoy look something krasny man vote. Ostanavlivayutsya.
- What do you want?.
- a lift.
- Who are you, generally takoy?.
- I - fag in Marsa.
- And do you think about HOW TO zemlyanam?.
- They did not vozbuzhdayut.
- Ah, well togda, sadis, poehali.
ride three. Kakoy look something blue guy mashet. Ostanavlivayutsya, driver opuskaet glass sprashivaet:.
- Well, a you, fag, otkuda?.
- Road patrul, vashi documents pozhaluysta.
***.
- You slyshali that delaetsya? .
- And I dazhe nravitsya. Vchera kupalas, krasota, no one.
- Here, here. A zavtra and vas not.
***.
Zhena education has been in and out pozvonila her husband:.
- HOW TO my koshechka?.
- Sdohla.
- Kakoy uzhas! . And only then would you skazal that ona upala and razbilas. Got it?.
- It.
- A HOW TO my mama?.
- Sits nA roof.
***.
Psychologist:.
- I vas dead dedushka.
Optimist:.
- And I still have a.
- And you opazdyvaete nA funeral.
- I sit in mashinu and gazam.
- No, you're afraid to ride the wheel za.
- And I 'll drink a bottle of vodka for hrabrosti.
- Here! .
- And I agreed.
- Do not agree - it zhenschina.
- I poznakomlyus.
- But ona strashnaya.
- And I was already drunk!.
***.
Nevidannyh heights attained the level of Russian Railways servisa nA dorogah!.
From the first yanvarya administratsiya Russian railways razreshila polzovatsya tualetami nA ostanovkah.
Ha throughout Ukriny, Belarus and Georgia.
***.
- What is the girl from otlichayutsya parney?.
- Girl, snachala snachala need to go with parnem in restoran, teatr, jewelry magazin, which used to understand whether this parnem go to bed, a papnyu snachala need to go to bed with a girl in order to understand whether or not this girl go to restoran, .
***.
In programmista sprashivayut:.
- Do not you remember how many will be in the fourth- two tapes?.
- (No zapinki ) Shestnadtsat.
- And in the fourth- shestnadtsat?.
- (No zapinki ) Sixty- five thousand five hundred six tpidtsat.
- Here golova, well, you daesh! .
- (After pauzy ) Do not remember exactly. Dpobnoe number poluchaetsya.
***.
In an elite brothel zahodit regular customer, coming to ' mamke ' and asks who the thread. mamka tipa seychas says there is no one. There is only Valera. He orat nachinaet - Th tipa you here? .
Mamka pozvonila who then spuskaetsya takoy paren cool - armani suit on the road, chasiki roleksy, in general the last word. He is calling a Customer's za and leads nA street snimaet signalki with your new Bentley, sadyatsya in tachku. The client is in shock malost. Valera takes him to the samy way restoran, his tam nA input is vstrechayut lead to zakazanomu table, drink wine samoe doorways, kushayut, then sprshivaet Valera - to you or me? . Valera said - it is clear to me znachit poehali.
Podezzhayut nA ruble to the mansion, he ohrana tam polite ' Valery Nikolaevich zdraste ' provozhayut the house, Valera tells the client - you sit here poka, a I 'm going to shower and go. the client immediately and frantically dostaet Mobil pytayas remember the number of public phones mamke Houses, dozvanvaetsya and whispered into the phone - slushay, a Valera aware of who gets e % b %% will be???.
***.
John D. Rockefeller mechtal zarabotat $ 100 thousand. and to live to 100 years. a zarabotal.
$ 318 billion. and died at 97.
Not all dreams sbyvayutsya.
***.
Nikolay Nikolaevich,, HOW TO unto you no shame? .
Nay, you ponimaete! . Uzhas! .
***.
Pereehal man with his wife from the village to live goroda. We decided to pigs zavesti:.
In the morning washed with soap and mumps, posadili a cart and taken to the boar in the nearby village. Ha man the next morning otpravlyaet babu in saray not check whether the rodila svinka.
Ta vozvraschaetsya:.
- No, says.
Well, that delat, znat, did not work. Again, wash with soap and a pig, sazhayut a cart and taken to the boar. Ta morning the same story:.
- Well, no pigs.
Snova morning, wash with soap and water, sazhayut in a cart driven by a boar. In the morning of the baba vozvraschaetsya saraya here with takimi glazami. A man shouts:.
- Well, rodila?.
- No, but pomylas and sits in a cart:.
***.
The driver KAMAZa vozvraschaetsya nA its bazu, all dead.
Zahodit in the control room:.
-. b. ...
Other drivers to obstupayut, sprashivayut what happened?.
It is only: - Well,. b. ...
Almost plachet.
all:.
- Well, you explain.
- Zagruzilsya today under zavyazku. A steep rise nA, well, to reconcile the motor does not pull. Tuda, syuda, well, to reconcile. Polchasa mudohalsya. Suddenly ostanavlivaetsya next zapor, vylezaet kakoy - horseradish and then says, davay, they say, pull up. I mean, you soobrazhaesh ' Zaporozhtsem ' full KAMAZ, chudila? . I mean, if you are in the mountain with KAMAZ Places budge, I suck you.
- So what?.
- Well,. b. ...
***.
- Who vchera dismissal of the drunk come from? .
All molchat, assign glaza.
- Who! .
One soldat delaet shag forward:.
- I tovarisch praporschik.
- Will you go with me pohmelyatsya! .
***.
Lyubimaya,.
Why are my toes under the seat - is katastrofa, a ispolzovannye vatnye your drives across kvartire - interera item?.
Why in the refrigerator ostavlennaya pustaya tarelka surprises you, but you're absolutely schitaesh normalnym pour the soup from the big kastryuli snachala secondary, then in malenkuyu, and nakonets in a bowl?.
Why are you asking me to take you nA meeting with my friends, a noesh then that you're bored, you want to go home and ustala?.
Otkuda vzyalas your confidence that I have a birth certificate and elektrika slesarya - santehnika?.
Why do you scorn fyrkaesh saw Sigala nA ekrane obizhaeshsya and deadly, I do not want to you to watch any regular - kakie.
' Nine weeks and five tenths '?.
Why do you tak razdrazhaeshsya, kogda I zaglyadyvayu in kastryuli and tak mad if I'm not interested in your kulinariey?.
Skazhi why I should also voskhischatsya Angelina Jolie, although I am more than Pamela Anderson nravitsya that you hate?.
Explain why muzhchina, zhaluyuschiysya nA nedomoganie vyzyvaet you neskonchaemy stream sarkastichesih zamechany and podavaya him an example, with 39 temperaturoy zatevaesh generalnuyu cleaning?.
Why istrativ ostatki shaving gel nA bikini, you tak berezhesh jealous of your shampun posyagatelstv?.
Why is throwing some of my things, innocent hlopaesh glazkami and say that you have no idea what I mean, you're nothing to do with sam and I should watch my barahlom za, but esch morning you demand that I with you on metalsya kvartire .
Why spend before leaving for zerkala chas, a zayavlyaesh then that I ever need zhdat?.
Why do you nedovolna skomkannym towel, even though nA zakonnom his place in the vannoy vsegda dry your panties and bra?.
Why did you come into a rage, obnaruzhiv nails nA rug, a hair kastryule borscha for you is quite normalnoe phenomenon?.
Why do you zhalueshsya that for me Buying a winter tire nA mashinu vazhnee than Buying a new sapog for the wife, even though you samoy stanovitsya ill from slovosochetaniya ' public transport '?.
Why do you stiraesh their socks with white rubashkami, a sex with my tryapkami?.
Why are you shy pokupat prezervativy, a date every month, I was in the supermarket otpravlyaesh za prokladkami?.
Why do you tak holy uverena that zabryzgannoe in vannoy zerkalo solely my zasluga?.
Why do you lastishsya prizhimaeshsya and me, a then okazyvaetsya you hotela to you only pochesali back?.
Why do you demand that I immediately izbavilsya from ganteley about who you are forever spotykaeshsya because they are a lot of zanimayut Places, a za sama no you do not want to rasstatsya zarzhavevshey mashinkoy clothing, although the last shila raz nA urokah truda 7 klasse?.
Why do you need to midnight obsuzhdat nashi relationship, a kogda morning I ask my cook zavtrak, nazyvaesh monster, do not you dayuschim vyspatsya?.
Why is it that two tapes a day chasa zhalueshsya girlfriend on the phone that you uzhasno popravilas, a nA sportzal absolutely no time?.
Why is the third month you have to harass me, then kakoy - shelf, if not more sama reshila, kuda it hang?.
Why do you expect that I will manifest in the choice izobretatelnost podarka, a year already sama darish I parfyumerny nabor ' Old Srise '?.
Why snachala say that you vozbuzhdaet schetina, a then - ' Go away, you koleshsya '?.
Why if you otdaesh rasporyazhenie ( naprimer fix the wiring, move pianino, drill the wall perforatorom ) and five minutes later it is still not satisfied, you demonstrativno zasuchivaesh rukava and undertake to za sama is it?.
Why I 'm calling from kogda magazina sprashivayu and what to buy, you otvechaesh ' do not need anything ', a kogda come home, suddenly obnaruzhivaesh that nas no kartoshki or hleba or stiralnogo poroshka?.
***.
New Russian goes to trasse Merce nA with a decent speed. Suddenly, ahead of his peasant nA malenkoy krasnoy mashinke, open-top.
Well, the new Russian ( NR) vyzhimaet of mersa all he can catch up muzhichka (M), opuskaet nA glass window and yells:.
HP: Man! .
M: Nah znaaayuyuyuyu!!.
HP: And then you otkuda sam!??.
M: With aaaameriikanskih gooorok!!!.
***.
Ostanovka. fits Bus. Intelligent vida people propuskaet all forward. Sam pytaetsya zayti last. And his door pridavlivaet neck. Bus trogaetsya.
- B * ive, pi ** er, th ** in your mouth, stop nA * uy, the ** n * darasy eat, tear off and k * yum fucked my head!.
The driver slows down, the door otkryvaet. The man in the salon zahodit, popravlyaet galstuk and obraschaetsya all:.
- Sorry, was napugan.
***.
In restorane pozhilaya zhenschina podzyvaet ofitsianta and requires it to air-conditioning ustanovil nA ...
- This minute! .
After a few minutes ona nachinaet obmahivatsya menu, HOW TO fan, podzyvaet ofitsianta again and says:.
- Switch, pozhaluysta, air conditioning nA more intense mode!.
- This minute!.
Less than five minutes:.
- Kakaya holodina here! . Necessary to reduce the air conditioner.
Ofitsiant nod.
Visitor za table in the corner and podozval ofitsianta sprashivaet:.
- It has no effect unto you nA nerves, without air-conditioning kontsa pereklyuchat tuda - syuda?.
- Not at all - otvechaet ofitsiant. U nas and konditsionera - there is no!.
***.
Man comes to the vrachu - and says psihiatru.
- I dream of Dr. kazhduyu night one and the same - stranny sleep. As if I pull a train on za stantsii Krasnogvardeyskaya Paveletskoy up, a morning takim ustalym feel as though it taschil nA awake. Help.
The doctor advises.
- Before going to bed to make myself that vasha obyazannost taschit sostav to Domodedovo, a tam who wants to let taschit dalshe.
- Good Doctor. Spasibo.
After a while, the same guy comes snova.
- The doctor now I dream another dream. As if I zanimayus sex with 10 devushkami all night, a morning killed HOW TO. Before raboty barely dopolzayu. Help.
- To make myself at bedtime if vasha obyazannost tra.
- Doctor, a can not even be two??.
- Razve bad four za night? .
- Dr. I have the same train from Domodedovo to pull Krasnogvardeyskoy.
***.
Abram sprashivaet from Sara:.
- Sara, it stinks tak?.
- Roza.
- Zavyala?.
- No, pereodevaetsya.
***.
News: ' nA Vchera Russian- kitayskoy granitse kitaytsy fired peacefully pashuschy Soviet traktor, traktor said that the nA series raketnyh zalpov, took off and flew away. Director kolhoza Colonel Ivanov. '.
***.
Popadayut in purgatory three Human Being: Russian and German anglichanin. God is to them and says:.
- Who skazhet my number, which I do not znayu, popadet in Ray.
Anglichanin nazval:.
- trillion.
God skazal:.
- Znayu - and otpravil him in Hell.
German nazval:.
- Billion.
God skazal:.
- And it znayu - and also otpravil him to Hell.
Russian podumal and says:.
- Doh.
God was surprised:.
- I do not znayu takogo the number of such! .
Russian otvechaet:.
- Did you ask the strelochnika nA Rail.
God has fulfilled its obeschanie - poslal Russian in Ray, a man and sam turned down nA Earth. Nashel strelochnika, suitable sprashivaet:.
- Slushay, man, a number is - DOX.
Switchman podumal and says:.
- Do you see the rails?.
God.
- I see!.
Switchman:.
- See shpaly?.
God.
- I see!.
Switchman:.
- Here go and schitay shpaly. HOW TO is' WELL THEIR HAX.
***.
Chitayu classified ads in the wall: ' HELP FOR MATHEMATICS. Inexpensive '- and the phone.
And at the bottom of someone dopisal: ...
***.
Pyanyuchy man in razorvannoy rubashke, nA face whose traces pomady in karmanah - empty bottles, zahodit in the Bus and close to the pop saditsya.
Razvorachivaet gazetu and something tam chitaet. Then the priest and povorachivaetsya sprashivaet:.
- And you do not znaete, the father, from what byvaet artrit?.
- Arthritis, my son, byvaet those people who have strayed from the path of truth, who sleeps with padshimi zhenschinami and Alcohol abuse!.
- No hrena yourself!.
Drunken zamolkaet and looks zadumchivym look at the floor. Pop pozhalel that vyskazalsya tak sharply.
- Well ladno, my son! .
- Yes you have it! .
***.
HP's new kvartiru pereehal nA, well, it bratki zakazali takoy normalny bunch of flowers in the magazine. In short guy poluchaet nA new home paket with tsvetami, a tam nadpis:.
' Sleep well, dear friend. Let it be your land down. colleagues. '.
Well, a man in osadok vypal that za dela in nature, all obzvanivaet. Those, too, in neponyatkah, presented in a magazin, tipa you Th tam bratanu nashemu prislal? .
- Guys, chesslovo nenaroshno turned out, the ribbon wrong vstavili. Zato think for, what else nA funeral wreath nadpis sewn: ' With the new hatoy, new schastem! '.
***.
- Mama, otkuda do babies come from?.
- They bring aist, son.
- And who bet aista %?.
***.
Another instance is refined in a series of optical manipulators presented to your attention. Pro model from P. Encased in a common enclosure pens, the model assumes a broad profile of. In this set are present and the immediate function of a computer mouse, and the possibility of using a stylus for writing or drawing on the touch screen. In addition, the technical arsenal of the device includes a laser pointer for presentation purposes. Device will be extremely convenient laptop owners, office workers, and even the youngest users.
